Rednecks are Funny!

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very “in the mood”, and difficult to handle.
 

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.
 

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
 

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
 

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. “Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

Is the shirt really necessary? Doesn’t he just scream SEX to you ladies? That squished wrinkled face with white hair coming out everywhere has sex appeal written all over it.

The one and only good thing about cold weather.

BIRMINGHAM, Alabama (AP) - Randy Williams was just like any other 6yr old Alabama country boy. He liked to play out in the mud by the creek in the family’s backyard with his little sister Mary Ellen.
 

Randy and Mary Ellen would spend hours wading through the muddy creek making mud pies and looking for frogs to torture. On one hot and humid day in August, 1995, the mosquitos were particularly bad and Mary Ellen decided to wander off into the woods to escape the flying bugs and play on the rusted out 1941 Chevrolet pickup truck that was half sunk into the ground and had trees growing out of it.
 

Randy didn’t know it at the time, but this was the last he would see of Mary Ellen until 12 yrs later. The family was worried at first but assumed Mary Ellen had been abducted by Aliens and would be safely returned like their oldest girl, Bobbi Jo.
 

Randy was devastated by Mary Ellen’s disappearance, and after a few months passed, he didn’t think he’d ever see his beloved sister again.
 

Then 12 yrs later, the family moved to a trailer park in Birmingham and fate would reunite the long lost siblings. A few trailers down lived a tatooed, chain smoking, heineken loving girl with a foul mouth and a much older motorcycle riding ex convict boyfriend.
 

Randy didn’t recognize the girl as his little sister at first, because she had changed so much and now went by the name Angel. At 14, Angel was the most popular stripper in town and was the major bread winner for the family. Every day she bought the whole family cigarettes and alcohol, mainly to keep them off her back so she could sneak out and ride with her boyfriend’s gang on the back of his Harley Davidson.
 

Angel didn’t know it but she had been kidnapped 12 yrs earlier by the father of the family who raised her when he wandered out into the woods drunk after his wife had kicked him out for having dead sperm and not being able to give her a baby. The father saw the little girl playin in the woods and took her back to his wife and told her that Jesus himself came down from heaven and gave him the little girl, which is why they named her Angel.
 

Randy first saw Angel when he was wandering around the trailer park with his new drinking buddies and she came out of her trailer to smoke a cigarette and wait for her boyfriend to pick her up. For Randy it was love at first sight. He thought she looked so sexy in her belly shirt and bare feet. At that moment, he made it his mission to woo her away from her ex con boyfriend by bringing her beer every day and impressing her with his shooting skills.
 

Eventually he did win her over and one day a few weeks later, Angel found out she was pregnant. She wasn’t sure if Randy was the father though because she did like to sleep around so she had a paternity test done and it was then that she found out Randy was not only the father but was also her bioligical brother. Instead of being repulsed and horrified by this, the two of them were ecstatic and view it was fate that they wound up together.
 

Today they have their own trailer and are raising their first little girl who they named Mary Ellen in honor of Angel’s former life. The couple plans on having at least 7 more kids and dream of one day owning their own double wide.
 

Fake News Stories is a new feature. Please leave some comments on whether it’s entertaining or stupid and if it’s a feature you’d like to see continued. If you have any ideas for fake news stories or would like to write some of your own for posting, please email BillyBob@rednecklaughs.com
 

This guy walks into a bar down in Alabama and orderes a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says “You’re not from round here are ya?”
 
“No” replied the man, “I’m from Pensylvania.” The bartender looks at him and says “Well what do you do in Pensylvania?”
 
“I’m a taxidermist.” said the man. The bartender, looking very bewildered, now asked “What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?” The man looked at the bar tender and said “Well, I mount dead animals.”
 
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar which is staring at him “It’s okay, boys! He’s one of us!”

A visiting professor at the University of Montana is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
 

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
 

About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well that’s a good start,” says the professor, “Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”
 

About 40 students raise their hands.
“That’s really good,” continues the professor, “I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
 

15 students raise their hands.
“That’s a great response,” remarks the impressed professor, “has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”

 
Three students raise their hands.
“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?” asks the professor.
 

One student in the back raises his hand.
The professor is astonished.
 

He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium.
 

The professor asks, “Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student replies, “Ghost?!?” Dang, I thought you said ‘goats.’

Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he’d first had sex.
 

“It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours,” Clem recalled.
 

“That sounds wonderful,” said Jed.
 

“Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.”
 

“Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?”
 

“Baaaaa…”

Two good ol’ boys were driving down the road when they needed some gas. After a while, they saw a sign that read “Free Sex with Fill-up.” They decided to pull in and asked the attendant for a full tank. After he was done, they paid and the attendant started to walk away.

“Wait,” the driver yelled, “what about my free sex?”

The attendant rolled his eyes and came back to the car.

“Okay, but you will have to guess a number between 1 and 10.”

“6.”

“No, the answer was 3. Sorry.”

As the attendant started to walk off, the passenger asked to guess. The attendant agreed.

“7.”

“No, I told you the answer was 3.”

The driver then sped off.

“I think that game was rigged,” said the passenger. “There is no way to win.’

“Uh-uh,” the driver said. “My wife won three times last week.”