Rednecks are Funny!

You might be a redneck if you think TACO BELL is the Mexican Phone Company.
 

You might be a redneck if your state’s got a new law that says when a couple get divorced, they are still legally brother and sister.
 

You might be a redneck if you think a stock tip is advice on worming your hogs.
 

You might be a redneck if you’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
 

You might be a redneck if your house still has the “WIDE LOAD” sign on the back.
 

You might be a redneck if you got stopped by a state trooper, he asked you if you had an I.D., aAnd you said, ‘Bout What?’
 

You might be a redneck if you smoke hams after sex.
 

You might be a redneck if you think Sherlock Holmes is a housing project down in Biloxi.
 

You might be a redneck if you think Genitalia is an Italian airline.
 

You might be a redneck if your sister is the third generation of women in your family to conceive a baby as a result of an alien abduction.
 

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, “what’s the matter?”
 
The fellow replies, “well I’ve got these two horses (sniff,sniff), and well… I can’t tell them apart. I don’t know if I’m mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods.”
 
The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of somthing he can do. “Why don’t you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?”
 
The man stops crying and says, “that sounds like a good idea, I think I’ll try it.”
 
A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before. “What’s the matter now?” the bartender asks.
 
The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, “I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can’t tell them apart again!”
 
The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, “why don’t you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back.”
 
The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. “I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!”
 
The bartenter, now furious at the guy’s general stupidity, yells, “for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!” The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.
The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.
 
“It worked, it worked!” he exclaims. “I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!”

After gaining a small family inheritance, a redneck family was visiting a mall. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “Paw, What’s ‘at?”
 

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I dunno. I ain’t never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain’t got no idea’r what it is.”
 

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out.
 

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Boy, go git yer Ma.”

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. The CPU has a gun rack mounted on it.
8. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains.
7. The CD-ROM drive is being used as a beer holder.
6. The case is held together with duct tape.
5. The six front keys have rotted out.
4. The password is “Huntin” or “Fishin”.
3. The extra expansion slots have truck parts installed in them.
2. The keyboard is camouflaged.
1. The numeric keypad only goes up to five.

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!
 

The first day they go fishing, but they don’t catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.
 

As they’re driving home they’re really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, “Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?”
 

The other guy says, “Wow! Then it’s a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

A small redneck Wild Animal Park had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very “in the mood”, and difficult to handle.
 

Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available. While reflecting on their problem, the park administrators noticed Ed, a part-time redneck intern, responsible for cleaning the animals’ cages.
 

Ed, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the park administrators thought they might have a solution. Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
 

Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
 

The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. “First,” he said, “I don’t want to have to kiss her. Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this.” The park administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition. “Well,” said Ed, “You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.”

There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. “I know,” he said, “we can play, ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’”.
 
“How do you play that?” asked the redneck.
 
“It’s easy” said the Spanish boy, “we can play it next recess.”
 
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. “Alright,” said the Spanish boy, “Lets play.”
 
The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy’s. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe.
 
“You win for sure,” they both said.
 
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, “So did you make any new friends today?”
 
“Yup. I played this game called ‘Who’s Got the Biggest Pee Pee’ and the other boys said I won because I’m a redneck.”
 
His mother laughed and replied, “No sweetie, you won because you’re 23.”

1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure.
2. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
3. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
4. I Just Bought A Car From A Guy That Stole My Girl,
But The Car Don’t Run So I Figure We Got An Even Deal.
5. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.

Benign……………………..What you be after you be eight.
 
Bacteria……………………Back door to cafeteria.
 
Barium…………………….What doctors do when patients die.
 
Cesarean Section……….A neighborhood in Rome.
 
Catscan……………………Searching for Kitty.
 
Cauterize………………….Made eye contact with her.
 
Colic……………………….A sheep dog.
 
Coma………………………A punctuation mark.
 
D&C……………………….Where Washington is.
 
Dilate………………………To live long.
 
Enema……………………..Not a friend.
 
Fester………………………Quicker than someone else.
 
Fibula………………………A small lie.
 
G.I.Series………………..World Series of military baseball.
 
Hangnail………………….What you hang your coat on.
 
Impotent………………….Distinguished, well known.
 
Labor Pain……………….Getting hurt at work.
 
Medical Staff…………….A Doctor’s cane.
 
Morbid……………………A higher offer than I bid.
 
Nitrates…………………..Cheaper than day rates.
 
Node………………………I knew it.
 
Outpatient……………….A person who has fainted.
 
Pap Smear……………….A fatherhood test.
 
Pelvis………………………Second cousin to Elvis.
 
Post Operative………….A letter carrier.
 
Recovery Room………..Place to do upholstery.
 
Rectum…………………..Damn near killed him.
 
Secretion…………………Hiding something.
 
Seizure……………………Roman emperor.
 
Tablet…………………….A small table.
 
Terminal Illness………..Getting sick at the airport.
 
Tumor……………………More than one.
 
Urine……………………..Opposite of mine.
 
Varicose………………….Near by/close by

Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.
 
Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.
 
“What’s logic?” asked Bubba.
 
The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?”
 
“I sure do,” answered the redneck.
 
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.
 
“That’s real good,” the redneck responded in awe.
 
The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”
 
Impressed, the redneck shouted, “AMAZIN’!”
 
“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”
 
“Betty Mae! This is incredible!”
 
“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.
 
“You’re absolutely right! Why, that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard of! I cain’t wait to take this here logic class.”
 
Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter is still waiting.
 
“So, what classes are ya takin?” he asks.
 
“Math, history and logic,” replies Bubba.
 
Cooter says, “What in tarnation is logic?”
 
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?”
 
“No.”
 
“You’re a queer, ain’t ya?”